40 Day Fast and Fail!

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Last year I embarked on a 40 day fast and it was a breeze compared to this year. And, I’ve been wondering why that might be. What I’ve come up with is not profound in any way. It’s simply a revelation to me. I’ll share this as it pertains to me only, not one of those existential readings that forget about the application to the writer and puts every issue on the reader. You know those statement like, “When people…blah, blah, blah…” Not that at all. Just my simple revelations for this year.

My fast started on February 10 with fanfare and a little trepidation. Last year was easy for me. I had been dealing with depression, anxiety, and was overweight to the tune of “Fat Lady Sing”. I was unhappy with just about everything going on, but I was doing darn good in graduate school. That was the one thing that I knew I had a handle on. If nothing else was successful, I could say I was spanking graduate school to the tune of a 3.9GPA at Walden University and being in the counseling honor society. But, everything else was just mediocre at best. And I could not see the end of it. What I did was to take a leap and do something I had never done before to make a huge change. I studied, kept my pulse, went to the doctors office, and kept my focus. This year it is not the same and at day 19, I’m seeing why and it ain’t pretty.

Screen Shot 2013-11-25 at 1.31.19 PMWhy? Why? Why? Over the past 19 days I’ve seen myself be critical, unforgiving, frustrated, lackadaisical, lenient, sneaky, excuse-filled, and permissive. Yes, all of that. All of it. It’s like a rollercoaster! Who can succeed in that? Who can survive with all of that going on? I find that I am extremely hard on myself and, then, I become lenient making excuses for why something has or has not been done. For example, I had some grapes (and a few other niblets) and almost had a breakdown, then, I rationalized it like it was fine and has no impact. The fact is the more I rationalize my choices that are not in line with what I want the greater the impact on my life, the less progress I make towards goals, and the easier it becomes to be satisfied with mediocrity. How can I achieve goals when I have the ability to succumb to the lesser or weak side and rationalize it as being acceptable? That’s hard to conceive. But, there is an answer. At least the least I think I have found one!

Mediocrity is playing in the middle, just getting by, and not making too many waves. Achieving goals takes failure, assessing situations, adjusting, and getting back in the game. There are days when I succumb to the lesser. Let me rephrase that, there are times or moments when I succumb to the lesser, but it is recognizing that and shaking Screen Shot 2014-01-31 at 12.46.12 AMit off quickly that will make the difference. I could succumb to the lesser, sit down and eat some tortilla chips and salsa right now, but there are consequences to my body and mind. In the end, I’m the one who suffers the most, literally and figuratively.  The opportunity to purge myself of the indecisiveness, mediocrity, excuse-filled ways of being and unleashing a huge game of life is now. It’s not later, when I feel like it, when there is time, or someday. The things I have seen change, the relationships that are emerging, my insight to who I am and what I want, and powerfully choosing to get back in the game I’ve already begun to create  are what will propel me to the end of this journey. Additionally, a healthy dose of honesty with myself about what is or is not happening will kick things up a notch.

21 Days. What now?

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There are 21 days left and in that time I fully expect for life to explode to another level because I experienced it last year. That means I have to be vulnerable, bold, allowing, being, in action, present, and patient. It will all unfold the way it is supposed to, I believe that. It’s a new journey, a new way of being, and it is developing with each day, drink, and thought. As a result of this fast, I’ve taken on praying daily beginning at 6:05am, in fact, I’m leading it via conference call! I didn’t see that coming, but also endeavored to experience an new level of leadership personally, professionally, and within my spiritual community. I am also working with business partners to develop fantastic products and opportunities.  My relationships are blooming in many areas. To spite the things that seem to be unmanaged or surfacing there are things that propel me to continue to see what the end will bring.

An opportunity to contract with a company has opened up, I took it, and it is actually the answer to a prayer, in more ways than one. I came to Texas because I wanted to be in a warm weather state, love San Antonio (though I don’t liveScreen Shot 2014-01-31 at 12.38.33 AM there), have lived here before, and just felt it was right for me. At one point things just seemed to be going awry, were chaotic, and I felt alone, terribly alone. Because of that I chose to start looking at returning to Ohio, my home state, to be around family and friends, and to make it work there. All the while wanting to stay, but not knowing how that could play out. It has been during this fast that things have moved quickly, clarity is emerging, and I am at peace with putting it all together without having to control it all. That is the excitement in it all, allowing it, letting go of things and relationships that are not working, and taking the next steps trusting that it can be handled – it has before.

With all that said, I look forward to amazing things that are to come. Not just the material things, but mostly the perceptions that change for me, the relationships that will be transformed, and the new beginning that will continue to unfold in the face of it all. Failing a little is not all that bad when it leads to revelations that propel me into the perfect place. So, here’s to failure, quickly getting back at it, honesty, creating an amazing game in life, and an amazing 21 days coming!

RESULTS: 14lbs down.
Feel free to ask questions! And, yes, it is only water…minus those grapes… you know what I mean.

 

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